Friday, October 30, 2015

Today?  It Sucks...

Today sucks... I'm not sure how much more clear I could be about it.  It sucks.  Period.

Every October for the last 7 years I wake up and tell myself that this year it's going to be different.  This year I'm going to move on.  This year it's not going to hurt as bad.  And every October my mind and heart fail me.

I never got to hold them.  I never got to hear their heartbeat.  I never got to see them moving on the blurry screen.  I never got to find out if they were both boys or girls, or even one of each.  It's like they didn't exist.  But they did.  They existed inside me for a moment in time.  For a quick blink, they were there.  10 weeks to be exact.  10 weeks I gave life to two tiny humans, and then just like now- my body failed me.

Maybe it just wasn't meant to be and the Good Lord knew he had better plans for our family.  Even with the path laid out ahead of me, it's hard to not look back and wonder... what if?  What if they were here right now?  What if we had a family of 6 instead of 5?  What if I didn't hate the month of October so much?

I have so much to distract me this time of year.  My wonderful husband and I have our Anniversary, my grandfathers birthday, my mothers birthday, littlest little's birthday, football every night of the week, school activities, work, friends... I could go on and on.  But I always end up right back here on Oct. 30th- thinking about 'What if'?  Remembering that day like it was yesterday.  The look of pity and sadness on every one's face around us.  The sorrow and heartbreak I felt not being able to figure out why my body failed me.  Why my body failed them?

...I will never know.  

October sucks... my life doesn't.  Some how we were able to pick ourselves up and not 'move on'... heal maybe?  Yes, heal.  We were able to heal.  It's no doubt that God had a plan; a plan to help.  It came almost a year to the day later in the form of our littlest little.  Our tiny humans were gone from me Oct. 31, 2007.  The littlest little helped heal my heart Oct. 27, 2008.  The blessing we received came in a tiny package that now is bigger than life itself.  I have been told that he's the best of both worlds... 'loving/sweet, hell on wheels'.  There's no doubt in my mind he's a perfect mixture of our two tiny humans.  

It hurts.  It always will.  There's nothing I can do about it.  Some say it shouldn't bother me still, or it's been years 'Have you not moved on?'  But those are also the same ones that honestly do not have a heart or a place in my little life.  

While I will continue to hate October for the rest of my life; comfort comes from the 4 heart beats that surround me.  My Hero (biggest little), my Clone (middle little), my Babybird (littlest little), my Best Friend (hubby).  In the end, my body didn't fail me.  My heart and mind may have- but my body?  No, it didn't fail me.  I didn't fail.  I did exactly what I was supposed to do.  I gave life to two tiny humans for 10 weeks.  Two tiny humans that I will get to meet one day.  Two tiny humans while they may not live out here in the open, they continue to live in my failed heart.  Two tiny humans that made me realize miracles are possible.

So just know that if you ever see me around and it's October- my smile may be fake, my heartbreak hidden, and my tears wiped away... but I'm still me.  I'm still the mother of three (make that five) amazing kids, I'm still a loving wife and best friend, and I still hate October.


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